Christian Sheeple
Why are christians so often such lame people?
Since I was a kid, I remember having mixed feelings about becoming a member of the Church. I would attend catechism and mass on saturdays, as many other kids, but that’s not really enough to be a member.
Some people, especially those who stayed after cathechism for the Confirmation, were really serious about Church. Most kids were there because their parents forced them to. Some were there because they genuinely felt at home there. I was never sure to which group I’d rather belong.
In my kid perspective, the coolest people always seemed to be the ones who didn’t care much about the church. When I began my Confirmation, I was surprised to see that only 3 or 4 people were left, from a group of perhaps more than 30. And they were all ugly, unpopular and pretty bland, if I have to be honest.
They just didn’t have the status I aspired for. In fact, I remember quite vividly the feeling of guilt I had for thinking that if someone saw me with these people, I would lose my reputation. I literally hid from my friends in school that I was in Confirmation.
And I felt bad because I knew that the people I did Confirmation with were, in their hearts, probably much better than my actual friends. In fact, I just remembered that one day I found out that a kid doing Confirmation with me was being bullied. And who was the bully? A friend of mine from soccer practice. And what did I do? Nothing.
And you know what? That kid was one of the kindest and most gentle people I have ever met. Nothing but smiles, tenderness and a serenity that made me feel sort of weird talking to him. And all “church people” are kind of like that — if I am allowed a crude generalization. Lame and kind.
Why did I feel weird being with them? Because, despite my ability to recognise the good in them, I also knew that, deep down, I had an edge they didn’t. I felt a spite inside me, and I just couldn’t find it in them. Ever since I can remember, I have delighted myself in disobeying, disagreeing, poking, making people uncomfortable. I don’t know why.
The ones I found reflecting my spite, of course, were the “bad boys”. Boys who, obviously, couldn’t care less about the church. Bullies. People more attuned to outter power than to inner peace. And so I stopped going to Confirmation.
I didn’t stop going to Church then — I didn’t really lose my faith, I just wanted to have my faith and also be cool. The thing is just that the unsexyness of being a “church person” didn’t seduce me at all. In fact, it repelled me from something I actually liked.
Fast-forward a decade and change. Now I already lost my faith, got it back, begun to attend mass every Sunday and am beggining to seriously consider becoming a “church person” again. And again, I encounter what seems to be a different version of the same problem.
I just find everything related with the church now to be too wholesome — for good and for bad.
One the one hand, I understand that the church is a universal (catholic) vehicle of God’s message. For this reason, of course it needs to be wholesome: it needs to appeal to the largest group of people possible, as long as it doesn’t compromise the message.
And it seems clear that, in a lot of ways, if something is too appealing, it probably is not that christian. Having a lot of money and a lot of power and taking everything for yourself — that is everyone’s dream. And that’s also diametrically opposed to the path of self-sacrifice that Jesus set out for humanity. Nothing sexy about dying on a cross.
On the other hand, if we look to Church History, we see beautiful art, beautiful philosphy and theology, the most esteemed and highest forms of being. The Church has been on the front lines of the elite of the human race for a very long time. Now, that is appealing to me. I too want to excel. I too want to experience the most sublime of feelings, reach the highest spiritual peaks.
So why is it that nothing in the Church now appeals to that yearning? Why do I struggle so much to find a church where the music is not “G major to C major” guitar arrangements? Why does every believer now seem so stupid and brainwashed? Where are the theologians? Where is the sublime art?
It almost seems as if, were I to attend a latin mass, read the church fathers and consume high brow religious art, I wouldn’t really be a part of the same group as the “G major guitar mass” people. To me, at least, it really is a world of difference.
What tickles my senses and makes me looks within is memento mori, lectio divina, good poetry, solemn music, the feeling of awe (fear, trembling, respect, gratitude, aspiration and admiration). I am attracted to chirstianity because it is ascetic, because it is intellectual, because it shines a light on the real importance of things and strikes light into the shade in my heart. I like christianity because it never let’s me forget that love is the main thing. It encourages me do decenter. To understand that my plans and machinations are worth nothing, that to achieve true enlightenment is not to live anymore — but to have Christ live in me, act through me. The symbolism is rich and apparently all-consuming. The paradox at the heart of the whole thing makes it perfect, transcendent, holy.
Holding hands and feeling guiddy and singing along to a happy song is not really my thing. To me, this whole attitude just seems trivial, evanescent, almost naively careless. The world is full of suffering. There really is too much of it. Death is all around us. To never think about this, and just sit eating marshmellows in neverland next to a campfire, like none of this matters, doesn’t look like wisdom to me.
The whole thing is a huge mystery. Being baffled is closer to an appropriate response, in my view. Maybe finding some way to fight evil, instead of ignoring it.
This lack of intellectual and active qualities in the church has been attributed by some people to an overly feminine culture in the church. And I don’t think anyone will deny that church is a “grandma” type of thing. Every time I go to a church, its mostly old ladies and kids. Naturally, then, things are made to suit their sensibilities, mirroring the types of interactions they would have.
It is all about acceptance and good vibes — to the point it becomes, and I’ve seen it happen, spoiling. Everything you do is okay, just be who you are — and here is a cookie! You don’t like complicated and sad music? That’s okay! Here is a nice feel good song for you! This is why mass feels more like a 5 year old’s birthday than a celebratory mourning of the death and resurrection of God. The complexity of the feelings involved become reduced to “Yeyyy!”
This is a hard pill to swallow for me.
I don’t want everyone to feel good. I don’t think they should. I don’t feel good myself most times — I feel fine, or confused. I don’t like things accessible to everyone: they are basic and often stupid.
But seriously, do I want to be this jackass? Is it not overly hubristic on my part to accuse those who follow the Church and its current spirit of being sheep merely following a lead? If they are sheep, then what am I? A lone wolf? Please.
I always found it funny that people nowadays want to be the GOAT and not the sheep, knowing the symbolic significance of these two animals. The goat is the sacrificial meat given to false gods. It is symbolized by an inverted David’s Star, it stands for Beelzebub. The sheep is the lamb of god that sacrifices itself and saves humanity.
The GOAT wants everything to himself. The sheep are happy to give theirselves up to what is higher. What seems more christian to you?
There is great humility in knowing when to submit. What I like is not what is most important, and I know that. I need to work on my inner sheep.
